Whether in the morning, on the road or after a long boozy night, a diner is the perfect end to a night and a best forum for, say, debating the relative merits of Ryan Adams’ early versus late discography. While there are plenty of great trendy diners in Philly, like Silk City and Morning Glory, they bear little resemble to the gritty, authentic diners you were used to visiting in New Jersey after high school prom. (Writer's note: restaurants disguised as diners will be heretofore discounted from this authentic diner survey.) I’m talking about the real diners, the kind of places that bring out sliced bread pre-buttered, and by buttered I mean displaying a total disregard for the amount of Land O’Lakes any reasonable person would slather on a slice of white or wheat. These are the kind of places where you’ll be referred to exclusively as “babe,” “hun” or “sweetie” and you’ll probably overhear at least one conversation about goiters or Donny’s cousin, the one who just got out of rehab.

Greasy Spoon Diner: Langhorne Cafe
When you sit down at a booth in this hole-in-the-wall diner, you’ll quickly notice the spotted nature of the silverware. Don’t worry, it’s not dirty; it simply means you have some greasy goodness coming right up. After you leave satisfied, you’ll have no trouble recalling those perfect hash browns as your clothes and even skin will emit a sumptuous breakfast aroma for the rest of the day, or night. And while I can’t prove it, I swear the coffee here is spiked with vodka.

Great Diner Service: (tie) Llanerch Diner and Boulevard Diner
The first diner in this tie, the Llanerch Diner in Upper Darby, does it right and quickly. Call me crazy, but I once I timed the service here and it was about four minutes from the time I walked through the door to the time I was slamming down sausage links. It was as if they spotted me outside in the parking lot and immediately surmised that I’d order a western omelet with American cheese. Incredible! As for the Boulevard Diner in the Northeast, the service here is attentive (to put it mildly) and the waitstaff/customer banter is top notch. It seems like everybody’s related here, if not by blood than at least by blueberry syrup. While you’re busy chatting up the waitress, you might even miss the fact that you’ve been supplied a pitcher of water, a full pot of coffee and a complimentary fresh fruit bowl - all before you had a chance to look at the menu.  

Downtown Diner: Little Pete’s
When it comes to diners, if you see pictures of food on the wall then you know it’s gonna' be quality. And if those pictures are actual snapshots of the diner’s plated food (rather than the template photos you see at Chinese take-outs), you’ve scored big time. This is how I knew that Little Pete’s would be great before I could say “coffee and a water please.” After you quickly discover that you’re a regular customer (and you will be), the three words you’ll most associate with Little Pete’s are "good," "cheap" and "fast." So good that having to walk through the kitchen, down a dingy corridor to an even dingier bathroom won’t even faze you.  

Dessert Diner: The Dining Car & Market
When you have to walk through the bakery to get to the restaurant, there’s a pretty good chance that the lemon meringue is light and the clientele is not. So naturally there are no booths available for Jenny Craig at the Dining Car, but Betty Crocker can pull up a chair. The Dining Car's slogan is “Get what you like…Like what you get,” and I can’t argue with that. Fortunately, I want Jewish apple cake.

Conversation Diner: Melrose Diner
Sassy servers, a very diverse clientele and booths that seat strangers across from each other means you're bound to have one interesting diner experience. It’s a recipe that’s kept the Melrose Diner in business since 1935. Of course such an intimate seating arrangement makes for extremely unique interactions. Picture an old Italian man, born and raised in South Philly, sitting directly across from an area hipster complete with over-tight jeans and an asymmetrical haircut. The epitome of Melrose's diversity can be seen on the look of this poor old man’s face when Fonzie orders up an all-egg-white omelet, vegan sausage (which they definitely don’t have) and asks the server if the coffee’s been brewed with fair-trade, organic beans.