We all have a favorite Philly moment; the story we tell over and over again until exhaustion. “Remember that time at G Lounge?” Your story could be about a chance meeting with a celebrity, an embarrassing moment or a tale of kindness you found wrapped up in the bow of a small street side moment. These are the moments that shape our lives, the moments that make this our city.
After the sun sets behind the metallic blue hues of the skyline the city comes alive. When the electric neon pulses through the city’s veins our city really shines. My wild Southern heart has an appetite for fun that allows me to experience everything that Philly’s kaleidoscope nightlife has to offer, so I know no better guide for your nocturnal naughtiness. Spare yourself the dead bars, creepy lounges and too-trendy boites, and take it from a girl with a penchant for glitter and fun, a girl who knows this city better than anyone. Never leave home without my list of nightlife picks, douche bag legend included.
HAPPY HOUR: ALFA
Alfa is an excellent spot for casual dates or catching up with friends because it doesn’t boast the usual pretentious Rittenhouse air. In fact, the staff and clientele are all pretty down to earth. Alfa boasts excellent bar snacks (addictive edamame and perfectly sweet oysters) in a casual and hip scene. The 90s theme menu during Monday happy hour (Hello Kitty is my favorite) is a must. Above the bar there is a chalkboard littered with names. Don’t worry, it’s not Santa’s naughty list (I’m not on it), it’s a place where you can buy a drink for a friend.
BOOTY CALL: LADDER 15
Ladder 15 is sometimes referred to as The Rittenhouse Frat Party, mainly because this is a melting pot of douche bags*. If you’re into beer-guzzling boys and girls, this is the place for you. After 5pm Ladder is filled with suits and lovely legged ladies, which makes it my favorite place to meet new people (and by that I mean new booty call).
WILD NIGHT: G LOUNGE
Oh, G, we meet again. G Lounge is Philly’s staple for luxury nightlife, because if you make it through the velvet rope, you will be amongst some of the most beautiful people in Philadelphia. You’re also guaranteed to run into the King of all Douche bags* here. The club itself is aesthetically pleasing--incredible lighting offsets the multiple dance floors and cascading waterfall. The music is always excellent and the bartenders are typically very friendly (Tony Perez always mixes great concoctions). If you’re not keen on super-crowded clubs, check out G Lounge on Tuesday nights for their intimate Speakeasy party presented by Mark Marek and Marshall Young. It does not disappoint.
TRENDY NIGHT: SUMO LOUNGE
Sumo is Philly’s newest hip lounge with a dramatic and beautiful interior. Enter through their breathtaking entrance on Chestnut Street or cut through Raw on the Sansom Street side. Sumo is currently my favorite nightlife spot--the music is always great, the clientele is full of young professionals and the staff is comprised of honestly kind people that serve you drinks, not attitude.
MUNCHIES: PYT
If you’re up for something a little more low-key, check out PYT. PYT is my one and only true love, and the only lover I have ever introduced to my mother without shame. This hip burger joint is the baby of Tommy Up. My picks are the PYT burger with cheese and the Caucasian, one of their magnificent adult shakes (yes, that means its alcoholic). If you’re feeling good, get your dance on in their secret backroom then take home the other tasty thing not listed on their menu: me.
PRE-NIGHT DRINK: 10Arts
In the center of the Ritz-Carlton lies the sexy and chic 10Arts. The ambiance is unparallel to any other place in the city and their lounge menu is perfect for snacks and cocktails. If you go after work, you’re almost guaranteed to run into a suited douche bag* and a married douche bag.* Order the soft pretzel bites and the mini burgers while you escape from the bustle of the city. This is also an excellent place to meet before heading out on the town.
DATE SPOT: APO
APO is a discrete bar in Philadelphia’s midtown village. Serving up high-quality and complicated cocktails with a 19th-century flair. When the weather permits, indulge upon pitchers of delicious cocktails on their roof. Indoors more your thing? Grab a permanent marker and make your mark on the brick wall. You just might see someone you know.
HIDDEN GEM: THE FRANKLIN MORTGAGE
The Franklin Mortgage and Investment Co. is tucked below 18th street. Hidden behind their barely marked doorway lies a hidden gem. Prohibition Era bars inspire the Franklin and the craft bartenders used to pride themselves on. It is a traditional setting and menu that will make you feel like you’re really in an old speakeasy. This is a lounge perfect for first dates or intimate nights with someone special.
RELAX: TIR NA NOG
I love the nightlife in Philadelphia, but sometimes its exhausting bouncing from place to place. If I want a cozy and relaxing evening I head to my favorite place, Tir Na Nog. Any night of the week, you’ll probably find me here (although you won’t recognize me). Tir Na Nog is a great place to spend time with my friends with great food and plenty of booze, served up by my favorite bartender, Buzz. Tir Na Nog is always packed for happy hour with sports fans and men in suits – my favorite. After 7pm, Tir settles down and becomes a bit quieter.
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GUIDE TO PHILLY DOUCHE BAGS
If you’ve spent any time in the Philly nightlife scene you’ve had more than your fair share of run-ins with douche bags. But if you haven’t let me warn you now before you too become a victim of their pathetic come-ons. I’ve dated all of them – I should know.
Most Philly douche bags never played Monopoly, because he’d just fly through go, without stopping. Forget getting your number, or cocktails, he will corner you like the true creep he is and attempt at shoving his tongue down your throat. Why he thinks this will actually woo you completely blows my mind, but I am sure there have been plenty of desperate girls who will fall for these lame-ass moves. Now, a douche bag can easily be disguised by a nice suit and a fancy business card, but be warned: the douche bag can come in any form.
 1. The Married Douche Bag
The married douche bag will corner you in an alley way or bathroom stall. He is a little more secretive because, um, he has a wedding band on and holds a great fear that his wife will find out and castrate him. I don’t blame her.
2. The Suit Douche
He wears a suit and carries plenty of business cards, which he hands out faster than a Mormon on caffeine. He plays it cool, a true Rico Suave. But don’t be fooled--he is creepo numero uno AND he probably has a beautiful girlfriend waiting at home for him.
3. The Handsome and Successful Douche Bag
Why he even has to act like a douche bag boggles my mind, but he does and he is quite good at it. In fact, it’s his reputation of being overly aggressive. This one gets me every time (and I’m sure he has gotten you too). Even with a sharp handed smack to his beautiful face, he will still twist it into his favor “Oh, baby you like it rough?” After rejecting him, he will move on to the next girl in the room.
4. The Artistic Douche Bag
I adore the arts and respect anyone with an artistic talent, but the artistic douche bag breaks this rule for me. Nowadays Myspace.com can be considered the new vaudeville. Anyone who thinks they have a talent has a Myspace artist page. If we’re at a bar and you’re pick-up attempt is handing me a card with a link to your myspace page, I’m using that as a free pass to kick you in the nuts.
5. The King Of All Douche Bags
My personal favorite. I am sure you know exactly who I am talking about. Don’t be fooled by his patent good looks; this douche bag will reveal himself sooner than you think. He has no game, so he made his own--it’s called ‘Don’t scream or this rape might turn into a murder.’ Now, you may be laughing to yourself, or even giving a little chuckle out loud, but this is no laughing matter. I am dead fucking serious. He’ll see you at a party, think you’re an easy catch because you’re drunk or maybe you’ve been doing a little blow. He’ll take you in the bathroom, cut up some lines and then he’ll attack. (Really couldn’t think of anything to say? So you stuck your hand into my pants? Really? Is this really happening?) After you push him off he’ll say something really clever, try making out with you and then probably offer to pleasure you in the shower. At this moment you have two options: 1) Run. 2) Jump out of the nearest window. After you shoot him down he will never make eye contact again and will pretend you don’t exist. Thank God.
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